I don’t want to comment on toxic politics. I’ve never been good around ugly emotions; maybe it’s a boundry issue, but I don’t want to build walls. Unfortunately I’m also not competent building bridges. The bad seeps in too easily and trying to ignore it seems only to allow the crud to pile up until it makes me feel ill, or cry. Today I’ve been annoyingly weepy and unable to accomplish much from my to-do list. As an artist, there is always plenty on the to-do list.
It is hot and sunny in Denver, as usual. My garden is shaded by 6 market umbrellas I have been babying for 20 years. Their arms are patched, screwed, glued; their broken cords are knotted together, the canopies are patched, and some new ones are either too large or too small for the spines, (odd sale items), but they work to make shade, without which the small patio’d back yard would swelter beyond my tolerance.
Early in the morning it is cool and quiet and taking coffee at one of the tables outside is a pleasure I allow myself too infrequently. The old cat sniffs around and patrols the high fences and overgrown bushes. One might think I don’t like having neighbors, or prefer to dissuade curious ones. One might be right about that. The day wore on as did the deepening of my down-spiral mood and this website with blog postability presented itself and acted as a distraction. Writing it makes me feel somewhat as though I’ve accomplished something in the realm of creativity. Journalistic writing is not all that creative, however. I suppose I’m mostly waiting for my brain chemistry to snap out of it. This is difficult because I have my mother’s sneering voice threatening inside my head…. Oh you poor thing (said with seething sarcasm) you crying? I’ll give you something to cry about! It was never okay to feel sad, or at least show it. I think I learned stuffing way too well. Now that I’m old, and even when I wear purple, emotions begin to leak out. I can feel the stitches once holding the stuff bag together are pulling apart. It’s not pleasant to be around, nevertheless I believe it is over due and should come out….so I’m just waiting while it does. I sincerely hope other people are much better at this sort of thing, or have willing ears, or therapists. Me? I write and draw and sit.